One Tip. One Script. One bit of Inspiration.
Tip: It's time to light a fire under your chill
When it comes to maintaining my chill, I'm not new to this, I'm true to this. I'm serious about getting proper rest and will fight you if I think you're here to disturb my peace. And yet, like most, I still struggle with certain areas of unrest. Try as I might, I can't just cool my heels and relax when it comes to certain things.
Take, for instance, being late.
In my defense, I come by this pet peeve honestly. My Dad was a stickler for being early and taught me the value of minding my minutes. But living in the age of distraction has thrown me off my game. And recently, despite planning ahead, checking for traffic, and laying out my clothes the night before, I found myself arriving a bit tardy to a few events. At first, I was appalled, then I cursed the GPS gods, and finally I just sank into embarrassment. You can talk about me and scandalize my name, and I won't blink. But if I think I've made you wait, I'm in full melt down mode.
Interestingly, somewhere on route to my second event to which I knew I would be late, a shift occurred. Already 45 minutes into my journey and stuck in traffic, I literally thought: CHILL. Driving up the Blue Route in rush hour is not the time to crash out. Keep calm and keep driving.
It felt like an affirmation. An invitation to rest in the midst of chaos. A call to a higher level of peace.
I'm realizing that despite all the work I've done to keep calm during stressful times, there's still room for growth. It's easy to be relaxed when nothing is going on. The test is maintaining your chill when life starts to speed up or throw darts at your well-manicured plan. So, Operation Next Level Chill is in full gear. And my fix is not what you think.
I don't need another pedicure or yoga class. I've had plenty of those and will continue to do so. For this level up, I'm going deeper. If Chill Level One was about adding more self-care to my routine, the next level is all about subtracting, getting rid of, or letting go the things that no longer serve me.
I've isolated three behaviors that are helping me reach a new level of chill. Feel free to borrow as you see fit.
Letting go of offense. I should know better (I actually have a published article on this topic) but the more, ahem, mature I get, the more I struggle to keep my cool. As much as I try to avoid doom scrolling or click bait news, I sometimes catch myself yelling at the TV and phone over some fresh foolishness. And a few weeks ago, I spent way too much time ruminating over a comment someone made. Yeah, like I said, there's work to be done. What helped me move past the offenses was separating the content of the comment and the terrible news from my identity. The news and the world are out of control. But yelling at the TV is not the look I'm going for and won't solve anything. People will have their opinions and some of them may hurt my feelings. But, at the end of the day, I am anchored to my true self. I remember why I'm on the planet (hint: it's not to make so-and-so happy). And I have to live loudly from THAT identity, not from an identity shaped by people I don't know or trust.
Less rushing in, more hanging back. This is a recent gem. It's all about quieting the need to figure everything out, take care of the world, be first to the finish line, or soothe an insecurity. Instead, I wait. It's actually becoming my new favorite word. Just wait. Wait to see what happens. Wait to see what they will do. Wait for things to unfold naturally. We don't always have to be the project manager in the room. Hang back. Preserve your strength. Size up the issue. Refuse to care. Let someone else rush into the burning building. It will be alright. There are a host of problems to go around. You'll get your turn at solving another one soon enough.
Less overestimating your ability to pull off a miracle. Recently, I was trying to catch up with a friend to talk about a business opportunity. After a few months of this, I finally asked him what he had on his plate that was keeping him so busy (after all, he had approached me, so I assumed this was an opportunity he wanted to pursue). After two minutes of sharing his to-do list, I got it. Two jobs. A daily schedule that ended after 9 pm. A family with needs. Mentoring friends and colleagues. Being the go-to person for too many people. He didn't say so, but I could see he had no time for anything new or for himself. He was busy pulling off a miracle and being the most. He didn't ask for my opinion but if he had, I would have told him he was traveling down the road to burn out. At some point, he would need to chill. He would need to take his foot off the accelerator. I would have said don't overestimate your ability to carry the load and save the day. I know it feels good and you love it, but sometimes you have to do less now in order to do more later on.
Script: Upgrade your chill with these responses
When you decide to protect your peace on a new level, folks won't always understand. You've been their person for years now. How dare you want to be free! So, you must be clear and direct that there's a new peace sheriff in town and he's not playing games.
When people are giving you push back on your need to chill, try these responses:
"I'm prioritizing sleep right now. You'll need to find someone else to help." (no apologies; no offers to help them find a new person)
"My schedule is too full to take on any new projects." (DO NOT ask them to circle back later unless you want to take on this work in the future)
"I'm not interested." (this is a no with a touch of sugar. I love it for shutting down persistent people without turning them into frenemies)
"No." (this is the gold standard for setting the clearest boundary. It may be the hardest to say, but it leaves little room for misinterpretation)
Inspiration:
"Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer."
William S. Burroughs (2007). “Naked Lunch: The Restored Text,” p. 180, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
Resources
Finding Rest in Uncertain Times: link to the videos
